We are to issue free beanie hats to all so when in government we can ‘pull the wool over everyone’s eyes’.
- To provide a Strong & Stable Government we will relocate Parliament to the Tower of London.
- France will be required to return Brittany.
- All Europeans to pay to use the English Channel, and all Creme Anglais to be made in Britain.
- Germany will have to pay for all treatment of German Measles, and Spain ditto for Spanish Flu.
- Tactically we should start Brexit negotiations with a bluff induce, play for a freeze-out, refuse any rake-back and finish by buying the pot. (This will be achieved through an aggressive, sudden and massive bout of QE in the last week of the Brexit deal deadline.)
Tax payers to receive Nectar Points from HMRC.
- The Loony Party will nationalise all other political parties . . . and when they don’t keep their manifesto promises they will be merged into Rainbow George’s ‘Rainbow Alliance’.
- We will nationalise crime to make sure it doesn’t pay.
Atheism will be given charity status being a non-prophet organization. In the interests of health and safety all other theism’s will loose charity status and be regulated by their local authority.
The alphabet will be reduced to 23 characters. This will start by cutting the letters N. H. and S.
All Schools would have a jumble sale, fête or other fundraising event at least twice a month to help raise funds for those little extras . . . such as desks, books, paper, pens etc.
- Voters will get a 30 day cooling off period, if you change your mind, didn’t like the result, or didn’t know what you were voting for, you can get your vote back.
- Reduce the voting age to 16 (carried forward from our 1983 manicfesto) . . . (nicked by Labour)
One in one out (carried forward from our 2015 manicfesto) . . . (nicked by UKIP)
Pensions or how to get the grey vote . . .
The Labour Party’s leadership are hoping to get one or two pensioners to vote for them so they have brought out a new policy guaranteeing the Triple lock on pensions until 2025 . . . The Loony party of course will go far better and will buy several very large padlocks and some very heavy chains.
We shall replace the Trident defence system with a tuning fork.
Economy & Pensions
We will further complicate the UK tax system so that everyone can find a loophole, not just multi-national companies.
- We will change the English symbol of three lions to three badgers. How often do you see lions running round the countryside?
- All food sold in fast food establishments should be clearly marked “may contain traces of real food”
Social Media sites to be taken down annually for a ‘recall how to talk day’
- We will only paint yellow lines where you CAN park.
- Potholes deeper than three inches will be marked with a yellow plastic duck.
- We will rename the current ‘Oyster’ travel cards, to ‘Sardine’ to truly reflect the experience when traveling on public transport.
- British Airways will be given an abacus and some post-it notepaper to replace its computer systems.
Although we are ‘Loonies’ we often appear to be the sensible party. Despite this, it will be the 5th general election I’ve lost.
‘Loony’ policies that we first proposed that are now law include reducing the voting age from 21 to 18, allowing independent local radio stations, passports for pets, and all day opening for pubs. We were the first to advocate lowering the voting age to 16.
‘Green policies’. Roofs of all new housing to be made of solar panels.
Giant ‘hamster wheels’ to be placed in all public parks for joggers to run in. These will generate free electricity for pensioners.
‘Brexit policies’. Place a row of toll booths across the English channel to charge for European access. France to give us back Brittany. Europeans who drive on the wrong, right hand side of the road to drive on the right, left hand side.
We think Labour have missed a trick with their return to the 70’s. I remember the 70’s had nationalisation ruining industry, pointless strikes, and the 3 day week. The 60’s is a much better option – good music, long hair, peace and love!
Most importantly, we are the only party that promises to SAVE THE DODO.
Having just spent 10 days out in Lanzarote, I was very pleased to see that we had 12 candidates in the up and coming General Election on June 8th. Well done to all of you. Three or four found it a bit difficult, but never mind, next time. I had to rush to get my papers in on June 8th flying out the very next day, deadline being June 11th when I would have already been there.
I was invited over by Dick Knowles who runs the Monster Radio Show. He had arranged for a ‘Monster Radio Road Show’ to hit ‘Playa Honda’ Lanzarote on Friday 12 of May, to which I was the Guest of Honour. Dick is an old friend of ours who used to team up with Lord Sutch and myself whenever we were in Wales canvassing in the earlier years. His Loony name is ri-DICK-ulus Knowles. A good turn out, lots of ex-pats obviously, they loved it.
Thanks to Pete Tilby-Fowler for an excellent interview, Spencer Locke, Valerie Tellechea, Angie Brand and all the other staff for making a success of it. Not forgetting the El Berera Bar who looked after us.
Dick is now our loony liaison officer for the Canary Islands and Chairman of the Lanzarote branch. Also met up with ‘Tigger the Bulldog’ who owns the ‘Bulldog Bar’ in Costa Teguise. Which still has the plaque on the wall outside, from 8 years ago announcing that it’s the Canary Islands HQ.
So a warm welcome will be had by all, if you ever venture there.
Getting back to my original paragraph, the best of luck to all those standing. There will be a bottle of Champagne for the candidate with most votes, presented at this years conference in Blackpool, but you must be there to receive it !
More about Blackpool after the General Election.
The Howling ‘Laud’.
I am standing, or sitting! for the Monster Raving Loony Party in memory of three friends, Screaming Lord Sutch, Geoff Fivash & Dancing Ken Hanks, Minister of happiness and a Cheltenham candidate for many years. I am attending 2 hustings, one in Gloucester Cathedral, the other in Brunswick church Gloucester, so I can challenge the loony ideas of the other candidates! If you wish to join in, help, or sponsor, my number is 01452 857 160
The Loony Party is preparing for Government – these are our candidates!
- The Howling ‘Laud – Maidenhead
- Nigel Knapp – Islington North
- Chinners – Kingston and Surbiton
- Baron Badger – Walton and Esher
- The Iconic Arty Pole – Louth and Horncastle
- The Good Knight Sir Nosdar – Aldridge and Brownhills
- Baron Von Thunderclap – Mid Sussex
- Mad Mike Young – Sittingbourne and Sheppey
- The Mid Bed Minx – Mid Bedforshire
- George Ridgeon – Gloucester
- Sir Dudley the Crazed – Ceredigeon Wales
- Farmin Lord Dave 1st of Haughton – Denton and Reddish
Our Mid Bed Minx is campaigning for Mid Bedfordshire and has had a great piece written about her in ‘The Comet’
The Incredible Flying Brick
Is there no end to this plagerism?…
Labour’s leaked manfesto includes reducing the voting age to 16… One of our policies from the past, 1983 I think… Not so Loony now are we?
Nicking our policies…
It seems to be a trend at the moment for other parties to nick other parties policies.. The Tories have nicked Labours Energy cap policy,but wait, Ukip have just nicked our Immigration policy, of one in and one out (our 2010 manicfesto) and Labour have nicked our policy of getting the energy companies to charge normal or lower prices to people who pay their bill on an electric card bought from their local shop (our 2005 manicfesto).
What ever happened to copyright laws…