The Official Monster Raving Loony Party

It is with much sadness that I have to inform you that “Baron Von Applejack – The Shadow Minister For Putting Things In Cid-er”  has recently passed away at the early age of 56 years.
William “Bill” Findlay was a staunch member of the Monster Raving Loony Isles Of Deliberation Party and was extremely well liked in Jersey. He was an international businessman and spent much of his time abroad starting or buying companies. When we held the Official Monster Raving Loony Party Conference in the Island in 2007 it was he who acquired all the wine that was given as a gift.
For those of you who attended you will remember that you were given a bottle of red and a bottle of white wine. I designed the labels for the “Chateau Loony 2008″ with the date to confuse everyone! It was also Bill who so generously paid the 1,000 pounds to bring over the Savages to play for us all in the Omaroo Hotel. What a cracking evening they gave us – though sadly Boney Maroney never allowed them to play at a conference again. Very curious.
When “Uncle Fester” –  David Buxton organised the conference at Great Torrington a crew from Jersey flew over for it. Bill suddenly appeared at the airport to come too. He had been in tense business meetings all week and that morning he got so fed up with it all that he handed over to his Vice President, legged it to the airport, bought a ticket and boarded the plane. He only had the clothes he stood up in – no bags or anything else! How’s that for party loyalty?

There is a strong contingent of Loony Party supporters in Jersey so if any of you come to the Island please get in touch or go to our HQ – The Lamplighter Inn – situated in Mulcaster street. The landlord, Shaun Murphy will accord you a very warm welcome indeed.
On a personal note – even though I was rumoured to be six feet under – I am very much alive though have not ben able to attend a conference for a long time. I am “The Jersey Flyer” – aka “Baron Baskerville The Dartmoor Loony. Shadow Minister For Adventure and the welfare of insane pixies, moorland ponies and Uncle Tom Cobley and All”. I am also the Chairman of the OMRLP.
As a result of what I did as a young man in the military I have had to have both ankles removed and bionic machines put in to replace them. It has been a four year struggle but I am walking again and when Alan rang me a short while ago I said I would make every effort to come to Blackpool this year. Professor Nabob from Aldershot will come too so it will be a pleasure to meet you all and see old faces again.
Our Loony 99 pence coins along with our banknotes continue to be admired and much sought after. One day I’ll get around to producing a website!!
with best wishes, Rock On.
THe Jersey Flyer

The A-Z of the OMRLP Manicfesto Just a sample of what you’d get by voting for insanity… …you know it makes sense! Vote now (well, on 7th May actually). Vote OMRLP!

A.AIR bags will be fitted to the Stock Exchange immediately, ready for the next crash.

B. BRITAIN will exit Europe and join the Duchy of Cornwall to benefit from tax exemptions.

C. CAPITAL Punishment will be opposed on the grounds that it is unfair to Londoners.

D. DATA will be secured, placed in a brown bag and hidden in the PM’s socks and pants drawer.

E. ENTRANCE fees to all amusement parks would be waived to those aged 80 and over.

F. FRIVOLOUS Fraud Office setup to inspect fraud too silly for the Serious Fraud Office.
G. GREYHOUND racing will be banned to prevent the country going to the dogs.

H. HALF the grey squirrels will be painted red to increase the red squirrel population.

I. INNOCENT prisoners will be released in order to reduce prison overcrowding.

J. JOBSEEKERS will be made to stand two abreast in order to halve dole queues.

K. KIDS will be made to sit closer together on smaller desks in to reduce school class sizes.

L. LONDON Marathon free to anyone finishing in sub-2 hours wearing large clown’s shoes.

M. MEGA carwash will be created by punching holes in the roof of the Channel Tunnel.

N. NATIONAL debt will be cleared by putting it all on our credit card.

O. OAPS will qualify for a Summer Ice Lolly Allowance if temperatures exceed 70 degrees.

P. PUDDLES deeper than 3 inches will be marked by a yellow plastic duck.

Q. QUITTERS will be encouraged not to start in the first place to improve their self esteem.

R. REGULATIONS concerning car boot sales will be relaxed to permit selling of all car parts.

S.STAMP duty will be cancelled as stamps are expensive enough without having to pay duty.

T.TERRORISTS will be made to wear Bells and Horns so we know where they are.

U.UNRULY teenagers will be superglued together as if you can’t beat them, join them.

V. VEHICLES will be fitted with bungy ropes in order to save fuel on the return journey.

W. WIND farms will be created nationwide, where breaking wind will be encouraged.

X. X-RAY machines will be manned by a skeleton staff.

Y. YELLOW lines will be painted where you can park instead of where you can’t to save money.

Z. ZEBRA crossings will be made permissible to all animals wishing to cross the road.

Broadcasters have put forward new proposals for the TV election debates which would include the SNP, Plaid Cymru and the Greens. It comes after David Cameron refused to take part unless the Green Party was included.

However it seems we are not invited….Shame shame i hear you cry.

As a political party, a British tradition, and a political organisation who have been around longer than Ukip andThe Greens, we should be included, however we insist that our Colourful competitor Capt Beany… http://www.captainbeany.com/   who has stood in many elections and more to the point done more for charity than any of us, should also be included.

An OpporLoonity for Sponsor to go “Monster!”
Our sponsorship pitch to the nation was featured today on the Sunday Telegraph’s ninth page!
The Monster Raving Loony Party are now on the UKSponsorship website, press on this link to read the story and find our contact details:
>>www.uksposorship.com<<

In keeping with the new “Snoopers Charter” now being discussed in Parliament – To help UK Spy agencies, all secret messages must start with the words “Shhh, don’t tell anyone”  (thanks to paul for this one)

TV Debates…Only minor parties to be included in leaders’ debates on grounds that the main parties are too boring.  (thanks to schplickt)

Ignorance is bliss: We will create the Department of Ignorance so that everyone is blissfully unaware (thanks to Baron Fullstop)

Now Christmas and the New Year is all over its time to think about this seriously, only 114 days away as I write! We are sorry to say that, at this precise moment in time, we are not in a position to say that we have a definite sponsorship to talk about. So if you are standing, you will have to consider self funding. On a smaller scale, right now if you started to get it together, you would need £31 per week for the 16 weeks to be in the clear. We have not given up ‘Hope’, our powers that be, are still working on sponsorship, but this is the worst scenario. I know that some have come forward and said “no problem I can manage without” but if we do pull it off, they can be included as well, if they wanted to be!
Please, please remember, you cannot stand for our party, or any other party for that matter, unless you get a properly signed nomination form from the party’s  Nomination Officer. His phone no is 07946292557.
You have time to think about this, because he is off to Malta this coming Thurs 15th Jan.
So he will be putting it all together as from Monday 16th Feb. If you should need to talk to somebody in his absence you can call Nick Delves on 07973324985 or 01335370038.
We’re looking forward to hearing from you.
Howling ‘Laud’